so it’s finally november and around the time where you do autumnal things like apple picking, buying sweaters, and generally eating more. it’s the only time of year when eating half a casserole dish of fancy-pants macaroni & cheese is forgivable, and almost welcome.

in the light of recent events, i’ve been doing the best to keep myself busy. i bought a sewing machine to try to learn and do new things. i embarked on a string of sewing classes and learned that the sewing machine i bought is the most ill-recommended sewing machine for anyone who wants to sew. crafty-types, avoid singers! anything but singers! i am about to start rolling into my baking phase, where i learn to bake a new thing every weekend. and just as i’m about to do this, i’m slated to be entirely too busy doing work-related tasks. isn’t that how it always is? you never have time to do the things you want to do because in order to do the things you want to do, you need to be able to afford the things you want to do. so it changes things, i suppose.

but for now, my latest task is to attempt to learn how to make somewhat healthy and/or lowfat gougères. considering how heavily this recipe relies on fats and general yum, we’ll see how that works out.

times like these, it’s really heartwarming to hear from people you don’t expect. old friends you haven’t connected with as much recently. and on the flip side, how weird it feels to be completely ignored by people you thought would say something, anything. it’s made me appreciate everyone who has dropped a line to me all the more. i’m so much more thankful than you could imagine. so many heightened emotions and feelings, and it flat out sucks. not feeling hungry but pretty much binging to make myself feel better.

there just needs to be a pause button to the day.

it has been the worst 72 hours of my life.

and now my heart is absolutely broken. i hope you’re rubbing your face into giant couches and sneezing everywhere/on everyone as much as you want, where ever you are. i’m so sorry, boy. i miss you so much.

:(

hrm. spending $30k on anything other putting in money toward a house makes me want to cry. stupid standards.

i mentioned to my boss earlier that i started going to a trainer because i was taking an early stand against turning 30. and that’s when i realized how close i am to turning 30.

and commence freakout.

my headache today is worse than usual. perhaps i have parasites in my brain laying cysts around my ventricles.

suck.

today is just one of those days where i just don’t know where i get the patience to do simple things like drink water or tie my shoelaces.

it’s weird being totally shafted and having to still try to act like everything’s normal. it sucks. it’s lame, and if only i had a sugar daddy to make this all better.

ugh. i envy barry’s life right now. and i really miss my life around november/december of 2005. four years ago doesn’t seem like so long ago, but it might as well be decades ago.

is it horrible to be a little put off by really gummy smiles? i.e. when someone has a huge smile and you see a 3-1 ratio of gum to teeth.

or maybe i’m just being disgusted because i just watched two hours of nyc prep and i want to rip out my eyes. this was, of course, followed by watching apparently four hours of stupid “surprise first wedding” dance videos on youtube. things i learned from that:

1. if you’re going to go one of those surprise “oh we’re dancing to etta james and then you hear the record EEEEEEAAAZZZZZ stop”, please act surprised. a haphazard hand thrown up in the air doesn’t make it believable or good. it’s like acting. if you can’t do it, don’t.
2. don’t choose a song that makes you look stupid, bigoted, or a big horrible stereotype.
3. this evolution of dance stuff is OLD. it’s not unique if every other couple is doing the same exact thing.
4. if you’re going to do a dance number, put in the effort and hire a choreographer and have some vague dance ability. so many sad dancers make so many one-starred videos.
5. if i see the apache dance one more time, i am going to go assassinate the incredible bongo band. oh, and the dude who played carlton on fresh prince of bel air.
6. why try to be a viral video? also, why bother putting the video on the internet if you’re not going to be prepared for really horrible comments. and a ton of “white boy can’t dance” comments. this is to be expected.

drowning myself in soaps, primarily melrose place on cbs.com, because i have no friends. also, because this ‘vicarious living through stories’ seems to work for the time being.